21 Things You Don’t Hear in Raid Finder

  • I think all the classes are balanced the way they are right now.
  • Ghostcrawler? Hell yeah I agree with everything he’s said about my class!
  • I would much rather queue for Raid Finder on my own that go with people from my own guild who I trust!
  • I have no problems doing dailies after because I love them!
  • That’s okay. I know I didn’t get the drop I wanted but I’m sure I’ll get it soon!
  • I’m just running raid finder for fun. I don’t need valor or loot.
  • My trinkets are proccing right when I need them to!
  • We don’t need to use Heroism or Bloodlust at all.
  • I’m sure the Priest who Life Gripped me meant well when he pulled me into the void zone.
  • Sure, as the off tank I’d be happy to taunt exactly when you need me to!
  • I respect your opinion. I think it’s absolutely valid.
  • You’re right, I’m not at the top of the DPS meters. I’m clearly not playing at my best.
  • Gee guys, I’d love to queue up with all of you again!
  • Our healers are doing an excellent job!
  • I ended up at the last boss again, but I don’t mind killing him even though I needed only the first two.
  • Congrats Warriors/Hunters/Shamans/Monks, we got three Prot shoulder tokens again! –  (Thanks @metao)
  • Whoo! We killed the boss! I got exactly what I wanted!
  • You must all be veteran, experienced players who know what they’re doing and have researched every boss fight in here!
  • I am happy with getting 16 gold on a coin roll I’ve used for the 10th straight week in a row!
  • It’s okay, I don’t need a summon!
  • That’s okay, we don’t have to kick that obviously AFK Mage over there who’s not casting anything.

What else would be extremely unlikely for someone to say in Raid Finder?

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The Worst Thing a Guild Leader can do to a Player

GM-sup

I think I’ve found my guild prank for April Fools!

I know of other guild leaders who joke about doing it (and some who actually have done it because they couldn’t do it anymore). So to all the guild leaders out there, I salute you. Doesn’t matter if the game is Rift, Guild Wars, SWTOR, WoW or what have you. It’s often a thankless job and you’re the butt of every joke but without you, your guild would be non-existent.

Although, I learned last night from Lodur that changing guild leaders can result in a bugged guild bank.

It’s okay, Logan. Your job is still safe. No plans for retirement yet. Sometimes I’ve always wondered about holding mock guild elections and what platforms people would run on. Fiscal guild responsibility?

P.S. I just noticed this. Which one of you clowns set my guild note?

The Druid

This is a guest post from WoW Comedian Wistoovern, the same mind that brought us the Automated Healing Line and WoW, What If…! So you’ve bested the agents of Deathwing, and you eagerly await your turn to destroy the citadel of fire, but what do you do in the meantime? Well, you write poetry about WoW of course! This piece came across my desk and I couldn’t help but share it with you. It reminds me of my own WoW inspired poetry for Sentry Totem, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Once upon a server, seething while I wandered, PvPing
Searching for the Horde that ganked me the hour before
While I searched for rogues attacking, soon enough I heard a sapping
Sapping of a fellow Alliance, a night elf herbivore.
“Surely this is the sign of the scoundel that killed me before.
Time to pwn him to the floor.”

Yes, assuredly I could tell that this occurred during Winter Veil
and near the Darkmoon Faire as well not far from Stormwind (Coords 30,84)
The rascal was a doomed Undead, with eyes that summoned utter dread
But had no jaw within his head, this beast I do deplore.
His hair was stiff and bones did show down to their core
Through the leather armor that he wore.

Slowly I crept up behind with only one thing on my mind
Psychic Scream ’til he was blind and couldn’t take it anymore.
Then purple druid would morph to bear, with dead blood flying everywhere!
That this fool would think to dare the bravery of the Alliance, the boor!
I tiptoed close, his doom approaching like a pit demon of yore.
And soon enough, he’d be no more.

But for all my careful silence, stealthiness is a careful science
Requiring the strictest compliance of form – need I say more?
A twig snapped loud, my place revealing!  The forsaken spun, his quarry reeling,
Those undead eyes devoid of feeling!  He jumped back just before
I cast my Fear.  Too late; he knew what was next in store.
He Vanished and left us by the shore.

I swore and cursed, the night unheeding, then healed the Night Elf of his bleeding
And waited for the slow receding of the debuffs that he bore.
Soon enough, the saps had faded; his eyes grew firm, like the jaded
Windows of a soul berated, but his nod said little more.
I thought perhaps to introduce myself and find his name before
I took my thanks and trekked to Mulgore.

“You’re lucky I was nearby, friend; that rogue did very nearly send
Your spirit  to Elune and end your life forevermore!”
I spoke as thus, not sure if saying words in or out of good roleplaying
Could possibly somehow be betraying his gameplay wishes dujour.
“Perhaps it would be best if we did travel from this shore
And send you back to Kalimdor.”

And yet my friend made no reply, the green light shining in his eye
And dour angry face decried that I should say no more.
But mana full and armor repaired, I stood my ground ‘gainst him and stared
My own exasperation bared at his quiet anger moored
He said no word, and sought to offer no accord
And thus I spoke, in quiet roar.

“Perhaps in thanks, you could at least address the man that stopped that beast.
Through my acts alone, his attack had ceased, otherwise you’d be done for.
A blessing that I did intrude, but surely you would see it rude
To show no sign of gratitude; be calm, I do implore!
I ask for naught but thanks, but perhaps you would not abhor
To share your name as good rapport.”

Still the druid stared unceasing, the leather of his tunic creasing
As if the silence somehow pleasing my freed prisoner of war.
Soon it was his hands were glowing; his ears did shrink and skin stopped showing;
In moments there were feathers growing, a night elf moments before
Now an owl, which to branches in a nearby tree did soar.
He turned to face me and said, “Read your lore.”

I stopped and stared, but soon was grinning; the foolish night elf was beginning
To show the depths of prideful sinning.  “Think you this is a chore?
For I have listed among my goals to read the documents and scrolls
And tomes that ancient knowledge polls in libraries of ancient score!”
But the druid seemed to yawn as if he was suddenly bored.
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

At that, I felt a bolt of danger from this rude and sullen stranger.
“Perhaps a friend of noble Ranger, come to Eastern Kingdoms from distant days of yore?
Maybe, then, you spent your summers training with the bold Windrunners?
Noble Vereesa (quite a stunner) that found her husband amongst the Kirin Tor?”
Could you be friend of hers, you man of war?”
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

“Perhaps true fighter you could be, though it surely seemed to me
You needed help assuredly ‘gainst that recent undead sore.
Though I saved your from disaster; it could be you’re a battlemaster
Traveling these lands much faster than with the dangers from broken Draenor.
Could you be the Warsong Gulch general Lylandor?”
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

“You came to herb among the trees before you came upon that sleaze
It still could be that from far overseas you tread upon this distant alien shore.
By skills assumed and then displayed, I think my patience is repaid!
From peaceful dell of quiet Moonglade you journey onward evermore.
Could be you the wise artisan herbalism trainer Malvor?”
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

Sweat was beading upon my brow as I addressed the bird on bough
And sought to find the answer.  How could my honor be restored?
In silence my mighty mind did race through every tale that I could place
I knew that only by the grace of the Light could I even the score.
“Could it be that you are one of the mighty Defenders of Malorne?”
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

From that point on, I filled the hours praying up to all the powers
To find the name that scours the darkness clean from darkened door.
I pressed him there with names unending, each defeating denial sending
My hopes to shatter and my spirit rending its pride upon the floor.
“Be you that slow Darnassian wanderer, quiet and fierce Crildor?”
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

And thus the druid still is perched, while in Stormwind Library I have researched
And since that day tirelessly searched for the name that I would adore.
Donyal Tovald helps me in my quest, and as Harrison Jones himself attests,
I labor long against protests, seeking the name unknown heretofore.
Who knows what ancient mysteries I shall find as I explore?
Perhaps I shall leave here…nevermore!

WoW, What If…

This is a guest post from Wistoovern, the voice behind the Automated Healing Line. Have you ever wondered what the World of Warcraft would look like if things had gone a bit… differently? What if Sargeras was never defeated, or Archimonde was just looking for gardening tips from the Night elves? Well today we bring you a set of patch notes from the future of an else-worlds of WoW. Suspend your reality and enjoy some comedic entertainment!

We have it here folks, the latest notes gripped data-mined from the latest PTR!

– The Orc and Troll races have put aside their differences and are recovering from what was known as “The Tusk Wars”.  The cursed, seeping hole in Garrosh Hellscream’s chest is being tended to by the troll’s best healers as way of apology, but Warchief Vol’jin is still chuckling about it.

– Groundwork for the next full expansion is under weigh.  The land of Azeroth has been under monstrous forces in the last handful of years; the destruction and recrowning of the Lich King, the sapping of arcane energies by the Blue Dragonflight, the aftermath of the Cataclysm, the spread of poisonous gasses from the charred wreck of the Exodar, the extensive damage to the Stonecore and World Pillar, the warped fel forces behind the Dark Portal, the faded potency of the elemental plane with the death of Ragnaros.  Looking back on the success of redesigned instances like Deadmines and Shadowfang Keep, the next expansion will be redesigns of several previous expansions and patches: Rise of the Burning Call of the Secret Cataclysm of the Crusading Lich King (or, which our developers are jovially calling, “Just Take The Old Crap And Repackage It; Those Idiots Will Never Know“).  Get ready to see some old favorites making their way to the surface again!

GENERAL:

– Using /flirt on Jaina Proudmoore no longer Sheeps your character and Teleports you to Ironforge.

– Using /flirt on High Tinker Mekkatorque no longer causes him to hump your character’s leg.

– Using /flirt on Alexstraza no longer causes Krasus to shapeshift and aggro.

– Using /flirt on Chromie now contacts your local police department.  Pervert.

– Due to the popularity of Barber shops, the next patch will also release Tattoo Parlors, allowing any character to get a tattoo.  Simple designs start at 75g, but more complicated patterns and styles can raise the price dramatically.  Some tattoos will increase reputation gains with certain factions, but may lower gains with other factions.  Choose wisely!

– Sorry, no dance studio.  Please try again later.

INSTANCE:

– A new 5-man party instance is being implemented with the next patch.  The newly-crowned Lich King, overwhelmed by the necrotic forces battling in his mind, has sent a new floating citadel into Azeroth.  Combining the forces of the Seven Deadly Sins, these seven new bosses have become a force to contend with.

* Pride – Blood Elf warlock casting deadly mirrors that transfix party members…before a laser impales them!

* Sloth – Orc death knight, still suffering from the effects of the Malaise, finds it a valuable tool to cast on your party; slowing you and sapping your will to live!

* Envy – Undead Alchemist resents you for your life – and resolves to steal it away!

* Lust – Night Elf priest using Mind Control enchants your friends to fight for her!

* Anger – Worgen feral druid with nearly endless rage and speed buffs.  Rawr!

* Gluttony – Dwarf shaman with a Beerkeg Totem inebriates his enemies…and sends them falling off the edge of the citadel!

* Greed – Goblin rogue slowly strips you of your weapons, your armor, and your life!

QUESTS:

– Due to overwhelming demand, the Gnome-slaying quest in Uldum is now a daily.

– The quest “Locate The Leprechaun’s Lucky Charms” can no longer be completed with raid markers.

RACES:

– Worgen Rogues have learned Ventriloquism.  This allows them to throw their sniffling thirty yards to confuse and distract nearby NPC targets.

– Inspired by the “Fastball Special” from Marvel Comics, in light of the outcome of The Tusk Wars, Trolls can now be hurled like spears.

– Undead characters that die and are resurrected by Spirit Healers will be able to go back to where they died, find their old corpse, take limbs off, and graft them onto their new bodies.  Doing so will raise their attack or movement speeds and lower casting times, but the grafted sections can wear no armor, and will increase damage taken in combat.

– Dwarves are always drunk.  Always.

CLASSES:

Death Knights:

– Death becomes these undead masters of the blade – but death has its down sides.  When in the lower levels (100 and lower), these fearsome fighters were unparalleled in their skills.  However, as they are corpses and have been around QUITE a long time, high-level Death Knights will no longer be able to go AFK without a new debuff called “Rigor Mortis”.  A fellow party or raid member applying Fish Oil will lubricate them enough to get them going again.  Undead characters  will not have this limitation, as Sylvannas keeps her subjects well-lubed for various reasons.

Druids:

– The Druid transformative abilities are undergoing a radical reevaluation.  The current forms to shapeshift into (Bear, Cat, Moonkin, Tree, Aquatic, Flight, Stag, Snake, Marmot, Jackalope, Monkey, and Weasel) will all have Dire equivalents.  Light help us all.

– Druids in a party with other druids will be able to focus their powers into more powerful forms.  A two-druid party will be able to shapeshift into a two-headed ogre (moonkin-like abilities), a chimaera (cat form-like abilities), or a corehound (bear form-like abilities).  A three-druid party will be able to shapeshift into a Cerebus (bear form-like abilities), a Hydra (cat form-like abilities), or Chimaeron himself (each head a spellcaster, moonkin-like abilities).  A five-druid party – should such a thing come to pass – will all be shifted into cat form and be teleported instantly to the newly created zone, Arus.   There, they will battle King Zarcon, Lotor, and the Robeasts that they generate between them.  Blazing Swords will be provided.

Hunters:

– Deathwing from the old Cataclysm days is no longer tamable as an Exotic Pet.  Those who have him tamed need to release him before the patch or he will raze the city that they currently inhabit upon patching.  Let’s not have that happen again.

– Ranged attack power is being increased by 50%…and then decreased by 50%…and then increased by 50% again…and then decreased by 50% again…and finally increased by 50% again.  Yes, we could have said that ranged attack power would be 93.375% of what it currently is, but you people seem to prefer doing the math.

Mages:

– In honor of the upcoming release of Portal 7, “GLaDOS & GLaDYS Explore Black Mesa”, Mages are undergoing a radical redesign.  While they will still be player-controlled, they will no longer be individual characters anymore.  All mages are being ‘transformed” into Portal guns that will appear in the inventory of party and raid leaders.  The portals that they generate are the end portals of other, pre-set locations.  They will have a specific portal that food and drink will fall out of, along with portals to expose enemies to the open portals in the Elemental planes of Fire, Ice, and Magic (thus representing the mage’s three trees).  As this will lower the worldswide population of Gnomes by 25%, the change is being embraced by all admins, beta testers, and cinematic directors.

Paladins:

– The 41-point Paladin Holy talent, “Holier Than Thou” is being scaled down.  Instead of the Smug buff for 45 seconds, increasing attack speed and power by 50%, the paladin’s single target receives a Shame debuff, which applies attack speed and power penalties of 25% for one minute.

Priests:

– Priest no longer regenerate mana through Spirit.  In order to use any spells that day, all priests must complete at least fifteen daily quests at the chapels in Stormwind or the Undercity.  Daily quests there will charge their mana pool.  In order to regain mana, they will need to complete more quests.  120 quests have been added to the chapels in each area, and they include quests to sit in place and pray for half an hour, change out candles, listen to confessions, and polish pews.

– Discipline Priests, your concerns have been heard.  The days of nerfing your shields are over.  Weakened Soul has been removed from the game and the shield is now an instant cast.  Also, the shields stack to 3.  As of the next release, your shields’ strengths will be doubled to a massive total of 2 damage blocked per shield.  However, in light of the powerful change, the cost of the spell is being increased by 20% to a base cost of roughly 15,000 mana each.

– The shadow priest ability which augmented Shadowform to allow the priest to walk through walls has been removed from the game. This is due to the increasing complaints from Tyrande Whisperwind regarding her private quarters.

Rogues:

– Rogues are now no longer able to bribe nearby guards into overlooking their covert actions – except in Goblin Zones (including those of the Steamwheedle Cartel).  In those areas, the bribe price has doubled.

Shamans:

– Electric Fence, a new Elemental Totem augmentation, sets a Lightning Charge between a shaman’s totems.  Enemies crossing this barrier endure 12,000 Nature Damage each tick.  Destroying any of the totems causes an instant feedback of 50,000 Nature Damage, but the totems are all destroyed and cannot be recalled for 30 seconds.  A glyph involving the electric fence is in development.

Warlocks:

– Demon Multiplication is being removed from the game, as too many players are removing unused demons, replacing them with additional succubi, and equipping the “Pimp” title from the last expansion.

– Draenei are now able to roll Warlocks.  Doing so warps their forms into quasi-Eredar, allowing a stronger Demonic Link to their familiars.

Warriors:

– Who?

ITEMS:

– The various Focusing Lenses available through Jewelcrafting are now effective in PvP.  When used, all cat-form druids will be Mind Controlled into running to the target of the Focusing Lens.

– Glyph of “I’m Taking You With Me” allows falling priests to cast Leap of Faith on nearby non-falling targets.

– Glyph of “Better You Than Me” allows falling priests to use Leap of Faith to exchange their position with a nearby non-falling target.

– Glyph of “Death Blossom” has a chance to lock a rogue into Fan of Knives for 5-10 seconds, allowing AoE damage in addition to their normal attacks.

– The soul of an ancient enemy has been reclaimed and forced into fel servitude.  Glyph of “Summon Hogger” will replace a warlock’s felguard with a familiar fighting face.

– Got old Dalaran Cooking Rewards laying around doing nothing?  A new Cooking Mount is being introduced: an “Ice Cream Truck” for 400 DCRs.  The mount will contain an NPC that sells frozen confections, but the truck will also play music incessantly  – and un-mutable – while summoned.  This mount is in addition to the 200 DCR “Hot Dog Cart” that was announced last patch.  Wearing the Chef’s Hat while using either mount will increase travel speed by 50%.

TRADESKILLS

– Gnomes and Goblins will be allowed to use their fishing skills with seaforium.

– Dwarves and Trolls will be allowed to use their fishing skills with ranged weapons.

– Druids will be allowed to use their fishing skills in aquatic form, by catching fish in their mouths.

– Mining has a rare chance to proc a disease called “Black Lung”.

– To expand on the use of Decahedral Dwarven Dice and Worn Troll Dice, Inscribers can now create “Character Sheets” and “GM Screens”.  Yo Dawg, we heard you like to role play.  So we put some role play in your role play so you can role play while you role play.

Oh the excitement is palpable! FOR THE WARCHIEF, ‘MON!

The Automated Healing Line

Ever wonder what would happen if you’re in the middle of the instance and your healing spells just aren’t working? What if you had to phone in for divine tech-support to get those heals flowing? How about placing an order for a buff or a healing spell? Well, reader Wistoovern mused this very topic and this is the end result. I present you with the Automated Healing Line. I couldn’t help but laugh pretty hard at this one, I mean could you imagine having to do this every time you healed someone?

I don’t know about you, but working in tech support for a number of years and being a dedicated healer I just find this incredibly amusing. It’s especially funny for me because having worked in a call center with many WoW gamers as co-workers this just makes perfect sense to me. It combines call center humor with priest healing and gives a possible explanation as to that occasional healing latency.

Wist did a great job splicing everything together and getting the monotone computer voice just right, next time maybe we’ll hear the screams of the dying in the background as that raid boss comes bearing down on the group while the healer is on hold.

So, what did you think?